A friend of mine just posted this article to Facebook today:
"All Joy And No Fun"
It's a long article, the general jist of which is that a lot of parents find that parenting is exhausting, not a lot of fun, hard to manage, stressful, sometimes painful, but oftentimes extremely rewarding. The article talks about how people with children often appear to be less lonely than those without children, and their lives seem to be, to them, more full.
Now, of course, reading this article from the perspective of someone diagnosed with infertility was an interesting experience. Perhaps the biggest surprise for me in all of my years of struggling has been the immense PRESSURE I felt to somehow have a child. For many years, I wouldn't even contemplate buying myself things or going on trips because, I would callously joke to myself, I was saving up to buy a baby.
Where does all of that pressure come from? It makes sense from a primeval or historical perspective. Humans used to have to reproduce to keep the race and evolution going. Reproducing was about keeping land in the family, trying for sons and beautiful daughters who would ensure our well-being i old age. Children, as the article points out, were farm hands and would keep the family business running. But what about now?
Of course, I still am deeply pained that I was not given a choice in this matter. It has marked my life without question. But the article is interesting in that it points out, as few rarely do, that parenthood is not necessarily enough to fulfill your every wish and desire. You as a person, as an individual, are still really important, whether or not you can or decide to have children.
My greatest fear for myself, over the last couple of years, and for others struggling with the same fight, is that being diagnosed with infertility can make you feel like you have no purpose. But based on this article, parenthood can sometimes make you feel that way too. When you are cleaning up messes at 2 AM, when your child is throwing a tantrum at a nice restaurant, or when you just want to relax and not hear the word "mommy" or "daddy" for a moment, maybe at those times you wonder what your life's purpose really is.
So you see, we childless folk have something to share with our friends and relatives who have children. We all still need to value ourselves. We all still need to find a purpose that extends beyond the biological and emotional realities of reproduction. If we do not value ourselves, even 15 children would not be enough to make us feel happy. If we are okay with ourselves, we can head on our way to healing.
Interested, as always, in your thoughts!
I can relate to not wanting to buy yourself things or going on a vacation because you are saving up to buy a baby. I say that all the time. As for parents, to each his own, life is life we dont get what we want and sometimes we get what we dont want. Like myself i want a child and there are parents that have children and dont want them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. It is a very interesting viewpoint.I hope it brings comfort to alot of women, in that it may not be a child that is needed to fill the hole/emptiness in our lives & hearts.It's a good reminder that the grass isn't always greener on the side of the fence. That as women we get caught up in fact that we can't have children & we feel our lives our "empty" or don't have purpose in life. But we forget that there are alot of women who have children that feel their lives have no purpose aside from changing diapers, cleaning up messes, running here, there & everywhere the kids need & or want to go, all day everyday. That they too feel how we feel & that it isn't the children we don't have that make us feel our lives are meaningless, it's more likley that we don't take time out of our everyday lives to do something that makes us feel like our lives have meaning & purpose. Whether it's voulnteer work,a hobby, a sport we all Mother's & non- Mother's alike all need to find purpose & meaningful things to get involved with that fills the hole/emptiness we feel in our lives & work towards seperating the two, and in doing that we will all be better, happier & more fufilled lives regardless if we have children or not.
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